i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
