I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
