My entire life is one complicated drinking game
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
