I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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