when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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