I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Jerry, you need to find god
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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