You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
