My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
