8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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