please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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