How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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