oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
