Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
