all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
