My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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