just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
