Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize