He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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