you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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