haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
