Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
