when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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