I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
