hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
