I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You left your underwear on the fireplace
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
