last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
