I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
