dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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