how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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