I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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