Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
