im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
