there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think i have two assholes
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
