My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
