Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
