Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
