How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
