I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Text me some of your sweat
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
