Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
