I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
