Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up under a house in Key West
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
