i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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