the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
