mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
