At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
