here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize