I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I could fuck to npr.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
