I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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