she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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