I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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