OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize