just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
