i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
