I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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