Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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