So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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