I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
