Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
