You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
