you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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