i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
