I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
