My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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