Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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