Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
