The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize